upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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