airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
