I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
