I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
