my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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