you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
