I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize