I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
