So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i believe in u and ur pee
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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