it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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