take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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