I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
