just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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