Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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