just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My penis needs a shock collar
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
