My first STD was from a foam party
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
time to smoke my breakfast
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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