as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
