Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
