The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
