The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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