I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
