Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
