im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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