We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
