He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
