Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
