tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
