I want to have your abortion
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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