somebody snuck up and got me drunk
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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