My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
