is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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