I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She told me I should be a condom model.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
