just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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