if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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