my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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