just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
