Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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