I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
