Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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