Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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