Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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