so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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