still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
