He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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