I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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