you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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