His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
