Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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