I faked an abortion last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize