you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
