Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
