You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
