her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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