i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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