How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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