I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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